Yoga forces you to deal with whatever is manifesting in your body whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. I was sore and my muscles were tired from Ashtanga on Monday and a workout with my trainer on Tuesday, so I was looking forward to Gentle Yoga on Wednesday, but not really feeling it.
There were 6 of us in class, the biggest class I’ve been in so far. Keep in mind that this is a “new” studio, that used to be in a different location and has just reopened after a long break. The perfect place for a beginner to start because their class sizes vary as they are still in the start up stage, so I have had a few solo classes in addition to having others join! Anyway…
I didn’t want to be there. I felt depth in my movement, yet I was unfocused but still reminding myself to breathe. I went in and out of meditation, though short, still meditative in those moments where I was really into my breath.
In a seated position she asked us to hug our knees and let all the air out of our lungs, curve our back and put our forehead on our knees. On the breathe in, we lengthened our spines and our heads went back. Just breathing in and out, I felt that familiar sting in my eyes.
We laid down in savasana to end our practice and more tears came…eventually they wouldn’t stop and I laid there quietly sobbing and breathing faster as I panicked that I was basically bawling in a class with a bunch of strangers. Those that know me, know that I hate crying and I REALLY hate crying in public. I had to just let it happen. I was able to come back into my breath and relax and stop crying.
I felt drained but better, then sad. Sad is the opposite of my natural state, so when I’m there I hate it.
I came to the conclusion that I am taking on more of my husband’s stresses and frustrations about his business and business partners. I won’t put his business on front street, but I understand that he feels pressured to be “successful,” certainly not from me, but I think in general, and the past two weeks have been a mental and emotional roller coaster for him. I unfortunately have to go on the ride with him and I internalize it more than I think, hence the random tears. I have been strong and stoic to support him, but didn’t realize how it was taking a toll on me.
I’m not really sure what to do with all of that, but there it is. I’ll be back on the mat on Monday! We’ll see what that brings me on that day!